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The Gift of Change… I admit it, I fell apart!

Last week a bomb was dropped on my personal life!   My darling partner Eric got a call from back home in the States, to hear that his mother has stage four brain cancer.  She had been receiving radiation for lung cancer over the past 6 months and 40% of lung cancers metastasise to the brain, and sadly, this happened to her.

Our life was pretty close to perfect.  We got Eric’s 2-year visa to stay in New Zealand, he had started a full-time job which he was really enjoying, we were starting to make lovely friends and our social calendar was filling up.  We had loads to look forward to over the coming months and with the firewood stacked we were excited that winter was on its way and looking forward to the first snow of the year. 

Then BAM!  Everything turned on its head, our world tipped upside down and we had just a couple of days to make a plan for him to get home to Florida and plan how we would manage everything. 

I admit I was a total mess!  I didn’t handle it well at all in those first hours as this was unfolding. My emotions were all over the place. It triggered anxiety and fear and brought up a lot of my past trauma of abandonment and many other things.  I’m nearly 50 and yet I still regress sometimes into my 7-year-old. Just when you think you’re over something, another test arises!

So, we moved my Mother’s Day to Saturday and Eric took my daughter and Deb and me to Millbrook for a glorious brunch, then we stopped off at the Shotover bridge to paddle our feet in the crystal-clear water. 

What’s the lesson here?  Sometimes trauma never leaves, but you do learn to manage it.  Each time something triggers an emotional response from the past, you get another opportunity to react slightly differently than the time before.  It’s about working through the layers. 

Yes, I’m a human, we all are, and it’s messy!  When situations like this arise and it brings up ‘stuff’ it takes some time to process and recognise it’s just that, ‘stuff’!  The ego’s immediate response is to react from its pain body and to make it all about ‘you’!  But recognising it is the key. So, I set my ‘stuff’ aside and we worked through the plan, together. 

So, on Mother’s Day, I put him on a plane back to the USA and then drove over to Kurow where this morning I begin leading a 5-day retreat.  Given my commitments to work, with my retreat and my Annual Embody the Switch Event at the end of the month, there was no way I could have gone with him to support him in person.  I had to put my big girl pants on and put my community and family here first.  When you feel like collapsing and hiding out in a dark room so you can wallow in self-pity alone, yet you have to show up in life instead, it can be a challenge!  Yep, being human is messy!

But life is also about showing up and getting shit done sometimes, even when you don’t want too.  It’s about working through your own mess, focusing on the bigger picture, telling yourself an empowering over disempowering story and just mucking in to get through.  Life isn’t constant bliss and it’s not meant to be.  Earth school isn’t meant to be easy; it’s meant to stimulate your awakening and growth.  It’s about learning that hard emotions are just as important as blissful emotions.  It’s about realizing that nothing is constant and the only thing you can rely on, is change.  We are souls having a human experience, not humans who have the odd soulful moment, and sometimes we all need reminding of this. 

It’s also about self-forgiveness.  Initially, I reacted badly, but I bounced back quickly once I allowed acceptance set in.  In the end, I booked his flights, got all his documentation sorted and let go of my fear.  I had to question my own mind and ultimately, I had to let go and let God. 

To say that Eric’s relationship with his mother is complicated is an understatement. But at the end of the day, family is family and at the core, it all collapses into unconditional love.  Sometimes it takes a crisis to be reminded of what’s important in life.  But another lesson here is to focus on that.  What’s the most important thing in this moment and how can we move through any crisis with dignity and grace?  Those words came to me through prayer when I was at a rock bottom moment in life.  Like the angels whispering to me ‘Deb, focus on getting through this with dignity and grace’.  Those words can really shift the energy of any situation. 

Do I still feel anxiety over this situation? Right now, yes, I do.  Until this is resolved and Eric is safely back home, I don’t know if it’s realistic to not feel low-grade stress.  That’s normal, expected and what it means to be a human.  I want to be with him to support him, yet, the universe had other plans.  He is meant to do this journey alone and I trust it will be a truly healing one for his family. 

So, what is going on in your life right now that might require some dignity and grace?  What have you been avoiding facing that might actually need you to put on your own big girl pants and muck in and get ‘shit’ done you don’t want to face? 

Life is about growth and if we choose to see it, we can see that there are many gifts in change.  Change challenges us, it raises unhealed wounds and shadows of our ego, it forces us to grow, and it gifts us the opportunity to rise above our emotions and refocus our attention upon what’s truly important at this moment.  It teaches us to let go and trust and to draw upon our faith, that life is always working out for us, no matter what.  We just have to get out of our own way at times.

When any crisis arises my friend Matt, the Neurologist has some wise words I’d love to share with you.  He says to trust instinct, over reason, over emotions.  Instinct is what your heart tells you which is intelligence, reason is what the mind tells you and we know the mind can play many tricks, and the emotions are just filters of the past and may serve no purpose in the present moment today.  Eric didn’t have time to say a proper goodbye to his father, so his heart knew he had no choice but to go while there was still time and heal from this goodbye.  We don’t know how long she will have, this may not be his last goodbye, but in a crisis, you need to be willing to drop everything and put those you love first. 

So, I am about to get ready to meet a group of women from our TKS community and I am truly grateful to have such a beautiful distraction this week and to live a part of my soul mission of facilitating transformation. The scene is set for an incredible week!  And then I will be off home this weekend to begin preparing for Embody the Switch and I hope you can all join me for the 2-day event which will be totally transformational.  I’ve spent the last year thinking about this event.  What wisdom can I bring you, and what I can teach you that will forever enhance the next steps of your journey.  It will be a full range of mind-body-spirit teachings to awaken a higher frequency in your soul so you are equipped to face the inevitable challenges that arise along your own life’s journey. 

The early bird is not available for too much longer, and there is a payment option if this helps.  I do hope to see as many of our community there live with me for a magical 2-days. 

I want you to know that life isn’t always easy but with all its colours, it can also be a glorious mess of navigating and growth and with every moment, there are many gifts if we stop to ask one simple question; what is the gift of this moment and what can I learn from this? 

I love you all!

Deborah xxxx   

PS If this blog resonated with you, you will LOVE my upcoming 2-day virtual event, Embody The Switch. Come and discover the hidden blocks that stand between you and your best life. Find out more here.

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