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Dear Good Girl, Stop Trying to be Liked!

A few years ago, I took the time to document the seven archetypes of women on a weight loss journey and today I want to share some advice for the Good Girls out there.  Over my decades of coaching women, I saw patterns that became highly predictable in nature.  I watched women with similar personalities struggle with the same set of issues.  When meeting a woman for the first time, I could predict the challenges she would face right from the start.  And so, my career changed my trajectory towards understanding the mindset of women and their journey to make peace with their bodies. 

I began to conclude many things; one is that we are more alike than we are different. 

I’ve witnessed countless women feeling completely isolated and alone in their thoughts about their body image and their self-image.  There is so much shame surrounding weight issues, that few women really share the intimate details of what they are truly going through with others.  Let me offer you some comfort here, you are not alone; this journey is one of our many shared human inflictions. 

There is little I haven’t heard over the decades from women struggling with their body and their weight.  I’ve spent thousands upon thousands of hours inside the minds of women on a weight loss journey.  I know the struggles most women endure feeling as though their body is working against them, and yet it’s not just their body, it’s also their mind.  I know there is a belief system that imprisons someone in a body they don’t love, from the excuses they make to the reasons they sabotage themselves. Likewise, there is a belief system that can free women from the ravages of self-loathing, toward an authentic love and freedom for life where genuine peace resides. 

Why does the average woman spend 17 years of her life dieting?  Because she is focused on the wrong things.  You’ll never solve a weight issue with another diet.  Weight loss is an inside job and at the core of it are self-love and self-respect.  You simply have to understand yourself in order to create a lasting transformation.

For most women, a ‘come to Jesus’ moment is required.  It requires time to get real and take a long hard look at herself and that’s not a road all women are willing to take.  So, my first question to women is ‘do you really want to change?’  Challenging your belief systems isn’t work for the faint-hearted. The negative aspects of your ego must die in order for a new you to be born. 

Weight loss isn’t about dieting to obtain a goal and then returning to the habits that caused your weight gain in the first place, that’s simply insanity if you look at it. Yet this is what the diet industry has taught you.  Do my diet, get these results.  Well fine, but then what? 

We know in the diet industry that 98% of women will fail to keep their weight off after 2 years.  Therefore, I’ve long maintained to my clients that if they don’t do the mindset, I’ll see them back here next year.  You need to stop focusing on food and focus on your mind, then the former will follow. 

You have to be willing to upheaval your world and dissect your belief systems and behaviours.  You have to be willing to find the blockages in your consciousness, and the reasons why you continue to sabotage yourself in life.   You have to get to a point where you’re so sick and tired of being sick and tired, that you’re willing to do anything to change and that includes looking at yourself, intimately. 

Here’s what I know to be true about weight gain and obesity; the life you have lived manifests in the body.  If you have suffered trauma, it will store itself within your nervous system.  If you have held onto past regrets, if you’ve not forgiven yourself or others, if you are trying to fit in and be liked to the point of compromising your own dreams, goals, values and desires, it will all show in your body.  If you haven’t dealt with anything in your past, it will continue to manifest in the physical form well into your future. 

There is only one pathway to authentic self-love, self-respect and freedom, and that is to heal your life from the inside out.  And that begins with letting go of the need to be liked.  Stop compromising yourself by putting others’ needs before your own.  You are no good to anyone if you don’t show up authentically in your life first. Stop pretending to be someone you are not.  You have to love the life you are in no matter where you are. You need to stop putting conditions on your happiness and waiting for a checklist of boxes to be ticked to feel worthy of self-love and happiness.  It’s all a choice and you get to make the decisions. 

I think when embarking on a weight loss journey, the first step most women need to take is to get over the need to be liked.  The archetype of the Good Girl, which inflicts most women to varying degrees is the aspect of ego that can unstuck most women on a weight loss journey.  This is the woman who will compromise her diet to fit in, yet it’s much deeper than this, she will also compromise her own values, her dreams, her goals and her desires to fit in, be agreeable and therefore ‘liked.’ 
Always, and without compromise, live your truth.  When you are not living in integrity with yourself, you cannot live in integrity with anyone else and suffering is 100% guaranteed. 

To master the transformational journey of weight loss, you have to actually be willing to change your entire life.  This includes the way you socialise and the way you behave and interact with other people.  Moving from the ‘fat chick’ who was great to grab a coffee and cake with at morning tea, to the ‘healthy chick’ that walks a few blocks to buy her salad during her lunch break or brings her healthy lunches and sits in the sunlight instead of the café, is a giant leap in the social order.  You risk losing friends but get over it.  True friends lovingly support you because they want the best for you.  Stop being a follower and start being a leader and you’ll find out who your authentic friends are. 

But if you’re brave enough to share your decision to try a new lifestyle with others, then you risk criticism.  You know deep down how many times you’ve slipped off the wagon before, so you have limited self-belief.  So, you tell yourself that you have one choice and that’s to try and do this journey privately.  Well, that is also a disaster because you’ll find yourself making excuses to not socialise or put yourself into situations where you need to compromise yourself or others.  The Good Girls hide away because they don’t want to upset anybody or put others out in any way. So, the dinner invitations get turned down, or worse if they are accepted, the Good Girl will compromise her own journey as to not make a fuss or stand out in any way.  Then regrettably she’ll head home and berate herself.  If she’s strong she will return to her plan, but I know that’s rare; most women will feel like such a failure, they will ‘give up’ for the rest of the week and start again on Monday. 

But what does it say about your relationships if they can’t withstand making some healthy changes along life’s journey?  Not everyone is going to like you.  No matter who you are, no matter how brilliant, talented, nice and agreeable you appear to be, how successful, how beautiful, how jolly fabulous you are, not everyone is going to like you.  Fact!  So, stop trying to be liked by others, and start focusing on liking yourself and you’ll wake up one morning and realise you no longer just like yourself, you love yourself.  

When you understand your values, your needs, your innermost desires and dreams and when you are willing to follow your bliss and obtain authentic freedom, which is your place of personal power, you will find that battling with weight becomes a thing of the past.  So, the real diet isn’t what you do to your body first, it’s what you do to your mind.  When you love yourself fully, you will no longer load yourself with toxic foods, you will nourish the skin you are in, and your body will thank you for it!  Happiness truly is an inside job! 

Deborah xx

PS If this blog resonated with you, you will LOVE my upcoming 2-day virtual event, Embody The Switch. Come and discover the hidden blocks that stand between you and your best life. Find out more here:

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